Archive for the ‘horrible marketing’ Category

Metallica is writing the book on how to sink an A-list brand (namely their own).
Step 1: Lose your relevance sometime in the mid 90’s and see sales dwindle over the next decade. Blame music downloads and the MP3 format for your market downturn – instead of accepting that you’ve lost touch with the times.
Step 2: Instead of adapting to a changing market and embracing new distribution channels (which worked well for thousands of bands, including the Greatful Dead) hire lawyers to try and fight the entire world. Hope that you can sue the world into not changing.
Step 3: When things don’t go your way, bitch and moan until you’ve repositioned yourself as the brand that constantly bitches and moans instead of making music… and has nothing to show for it.
Step 4: Make a point to put personal gain ahead of your fans, and scream it off every media rooftop. For years on end. Until even your peers think you’re out-of-touch morons. “We need to make more money!!! We’re rock stars!!! You people are stealing our product every time you listen to it!!! We will sue you for listening to our songs!!!!”
Step 5: Spend more time in court than in the studio or on tour.
Step 6: Run out of money and decide it’s time to get back to being a band since the fighting the world deposition at a time gig isn’t working out so well. Only it’s too late to get back to your roots because you stopped being artists and musicians long ago, and you suck now. You’re just too stupid to see it yet.
Step 7: This whole media2.0 thing sounds fly, so you invite bloggers to come listen to some of your studio sessions in the hopes that they will share their amazement at your crazy-cool talent. Surely, this will revive your career. Only you’re too old, the gig is up, and the bloggers aren’t going to lie about it.
Step 8: When your bonehead plan backfires and the bloggers’ reviews turn out to be pretty negative, threaten to sue them.
Step 9: Realize that what you need is good old PR and advertising. Upon getting a few quotes, start looking for promising lawsuits to file in order to finance your comeback.
Read the story here. It’s pretty funny… yet sad.
What a bunch of dopes. Just make good music for crying outloud!!!

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I was subjected to this horror earlier tonight while signing out out of my yahoo email and couldn’t resist posting about it. Here’smy 90-second rant:

Hey, FRS: This only works if the superstar athlete is a) still competing, b) 100% not tainted by doping allegations, and c) still a role model to anyone with half a soul.

Poor choice on all counts.

Looking forward to the Barry Bonds version of the ad.

Oh, and Lance… stick to selling Nike,Oakley and Trek. Everything else is off limits to you from now on.

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Great post over at Brains on Fire about taglines. Go join in.

In his post, Spike shares a pretty important rule when conjuring up a tagline (for your your business or for your unfortunate client): “Never use a tagline that just anyone can use. Ever.”

Excellent advice – and he offers some pretty great examples to make his point.

I would take things a step further and offer “kill your tagline and bury it deep in the woods somewhere, where no one will ever think to look for it.”

Gucci, Starbucks, RayBan, Yves St. Laurent, Cartier and Bentley may have taglines, but I’d venture to say no one knows what they are. Why? Because a strong brand doesn’t need to explain itself through a tagline.

I hate taglines with a passion. They almost always suck, and rarely add anything to the brand they are supposed to serve.

A few exceptions to put this comment in perspective:

HBO – It isn’t TV. It’s HBO.
VW – Drivers Wanted.
Apple – Think Different.

Why do these taglines work? Because these brands are market disruptors and game changers – and therefore need a little extra definition here and there. Beyond that, creating taglines for most companies is a complete waste of time. The fact that most taglines are boring and interchangeable more than illustrates that point.

Go read the whole post.

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This actually made it past my SPAM filter today, and I thought I would share.

Someone please explain to me what the point of this kind of email is, why they are always so obnoxiously bad, and why their narrative always contains some sort of life-threatening element.

Note: The sticky space bar is not my doing. This is how the email came to me. I added the red copy for emphasis.)

FROM: MR.Patrick K. W. Chan
(Executive Director & Chief financial Officer)
Hang Seng Bank Limited
83 Des Voeux Road, Central
Hong Kong
SARE-mail : p_kwchan@yahoo.com.hk

FOR YOUR ATTENTIONIt is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you donot know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to sharewith you. I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposedbusiness relationship.
I am Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan Executive Director & Chief financial Officer of HangSeng Bank Ltd. I have an obscured business suggestion for you. I will need youto assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country. Itinvolves the transfer of a large sum of money. Everything concerning thistransaction shall be legally done without hitch. Please endeavour to observeutmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.
Once the funds have been successfully transferred into your account,we shallshare in the ratio to be agreed by both of us.
I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below{p_kwchan@yahoo.com.hk} and finally after that I shall furnish you with moreinformation about this operation.
Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because Iam putting my career and the life of my family at stake with this venture.
Although nothing ventured is nothing gained.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards, Mr. Patrick chan

image by Christopher Wray-McCann

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