Dear UPS,

I don’t mind when you try to deliver a package after 8pm instead of… you know… typical delivery hours. I get it: Your driver had a busy day and he is working extra long hours to make sure I get my package today instead of tomorrow. I can’t fault you for going the extra mile. Kudos to you. I appreciate it.

But here’s the thing: When the note you leave on my door says that you will come back AFTER 5pm the next day to try again, at least TRY to stick to that little scheduling contract between us that you took the time to draft. See, I rearranged my schedule to make sure I would be here when you said you would be back. The least you can do is keep up your side of the bargain, right? … Right?

But this is what you just did: On 4/14, you tried to deliver a package after 8pm, taking a chance that I would be there. The note you left on my door said you would come back on 5/15 after 5pm. Check out the circled “FRI” (Friday) and “After 5:00” boxes in the image below:

Today is 5/15, so I made sure to be here by 4:30 pm, just in case you were a little early. Here is what my watch said ten minutes after getting home:

But guess what: You had already come by. When did you knock on my door, UPS? 2:00pm? 3:00pm? 4:00pm? Weren’t you supposed to come by AFTER 5pm? What’s the deal?

Your new note (see below) says you will try for the third and final time on 4/18 (MON) between 2pm and 5pm. See the checked boxes in the image below:

My question to you is… when exactly should I be here waiting for you on Monday: 8am? 10pm? Should I wait for you at all? Does Monday really mean Tuesday? Or tomorrow – Saturday?

This wouldn’t be a big deal if it didn’t happen regularly, and not just to me.

So… UPS, while I enjoy your cool “logistics” ad campaign, I want to bring to your attention the reality of your… “logistics” out here on the receiving end of your business, courtesy of CollegeHumor.com:

(If the video doesn’t play for you, go watch it here.)

Do you think that video would have been made if it weren’t a widespread problem? Maybe something you should look into?

And yes, just in case you were wondering, I have nothing better to do than play “wait for the delivery man” with you all day.  All week, even. Know what I mean? Me and tens of thousands of increasingly annoyed customers looking at FedEx instead of Brown.

Why are we all looking for an alternative? Because every time you waste our time AND don’t deliver on your most basic promises, you give us a reason not to trust you… and to stop doing business with you. I really want to like you. I do. But you’re making it pretty hard. Think about how many people and businesses you turn away like this every day. Every week. Every month. Every year. How much is this inability to keep your word, this chronic “let’s annoy our customers as much as possible by not delivering when we say we will” really costing you? Think about it.

So here’s an idea: Either make sure you deliver parcels when you say you will, or, if you can’t work that into your “logistics,” just leave the date and time blank on your delivery notices. The operational lesson here: If you can’t figure out how to deliver on schedule yet, at least do us the courtesy of not wasting our time.

Kthxbye.