And I have to admit that for about ten seconds today, when those familiar green letters showed up, big as a house, I felt the same excitement swell in my chest that I used to feel back when I was ten.
Sadly, my emotional response to the LucasFilm logo spans far enough across the ages to allow me to forget for an instant that George Lucas (who once rocked with Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of The Lost Ark) hasn’t written or directed a decent movie in two decades.
Just so we’re all on the same page, let’s go through the list:
Game Changer. 100% awesome in every way.
Empire Strikes Back
Actually improved on the original. The quintessential sci-fi adventure movie.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom
Inflatable raft out of a crashing airplane. The annoying kid from Goonies. Kate Capshaw. Magical rocks? Indian cannibals. Please make it stop.
Return of the Jedi
E-W-O-K-S. (Okay, ROTJ also gave us Yoda, but the ewoks were in it more.)
Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade
Emphasis on “LAST.” Cheesy father-son pathos. Derivative action scenes. Again, emphasis on “LAST.”
Star Wars: Episode 1
Jar-Jar Binks. The race announcers during the pod race. The horrendous CGI. QuiGon was a patronizing moron with zero skills. We all gave him a pass here, expecting Episode 2 to redeem George a bit.
Star Wars: Episode 2
Awful dialogue, terrible CGI, the Jedi are dumb as hell, and the whiny kid that will one day become Darth Vader does not act like a boy/man in love at all, and no one can act.
Star Wars: Episode 3
Star Wars: Episode Crap. Total waste of three movies and everyone’s time.
And now this: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. How about this: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of How Badly George Lucas Needs To Retire? George Lucas’ worst movie to date BY FAR. The saddest part about it (aside from the fact that I wasted 4 tickets and 2 hours of my life watching that gigantic turd) is that Lucas somehow managed to drag Spielberg, Ford, Blanchett, Winstone, Hurt, Broadbent and LeBeouf into this complete disaster of a Hollywood production. I feel bad for them. I really do.
Let me put it as plainly as I can for you: This movie sucks. Absolutely sucks. It is horrible.
Let me break it down:
Action scenes: FAIL
Special effects: TOTAL FAIL
I cannot believe such a gigantic pile of crap isn’t getting crucified by the critics. Proof at last that they’re either a collective of morons or that most of them are getting paid by the studios. Don’t believe me? Check out this review from the Pittsburg Post: (It actually made me laugh and puke at the same time.)
“The resurrected franchise has come a long way from its modest B-picture origins, and Spielberg, Lucas and screenwriter David Koepp fall victim to that dreaded disease of CGI-itis near the end. “Indiana Jones” has never been about the special effects, and when they commandeer the screen the actors shrink in every way.”
What? Are you on crack? “Modest B-picture origins?” “CGI-tis near the end?” “Indiana Jones has never been about the special effects?”
‘”The Crystal Skull” ups the action ante considerably, with Ford and LaBeouf in a motorcycle chase that’s like a moving three-card monte with car, bike and occasional bus zipping through the streets and onto campus. Everything is bigger and louder, from an extended jungle pursuit to a plunge over the waterfalls that makes Niagara Falls in a barrel look like child’s play.”
Puke. The action scenes were so boring and derivative, even my kids were yawning. And so beyond unbelievable and poorly executed that even for a summer popcorn flick, they’re downright insulting. In comparison, Michael Bay’s Transformers is a friggin’ masterpiece.
I hope the check from the studios was worth throwing your integrity down the drain, Barbara. But hey, you aren’t alone. Let me expose some of your fellow wastes of space:
Jackie Cooper: “The gold standard for summer movie fare.”
Betty Jo Tucker: “From its exciting opening sequence to its clever closing scene, ‘Crystal Skull’ made me grateful to Steven Spielberg for deciding to film another Indy adventure.”
John Beifuss: “The long, go-for-broke opening sequence in the Nevada desert is a triumph that announces that Spielberg and Indiana Jones are not just an explosive combination, they’re positively atomic.”
Richard Knight: “After 19 years, Spielberg and company have unearthed the best treasure of all – another great Indiana Jones movie.”
Chris Farnsworth: “Fortunately, a smart script and great set pieces make this tale of Soviet spies, weird artifacts and a lost city a worthy capstone to the series.”
David Cornelius: “Breathless, popcorn-munching adventure flick perfection.”
I have to stop I can’t handle this anymore.
I can’t believe Spielberg actually directed this horror.
I know that there’s already a petition to get Uwe Boll to stop making movies… Can we PLEASE get one started for George Lucas as well?
I will let Wade Major, from Box Office Magazine close us out today with this honest and accurate comment: “Utterly unnecessary, unbelievably uninspired and preposterous beyond all imagination.”